Things have been challenging at home this year -- thankfully the year seems to be ending on a more positive note. Jackson is healing -- still has a ways to go but is getting better. Eric is busy! Work is busy and that is a wonderful thing. Cooper and Aiden have settled into their new roles at school -- first grader and middle schooler -- and while there have been some challenges (the swine flu for one) it seems to be moving along. Work for me has been very rewarding and is keeping me busy. The hours I dreamed I would have to write when the boys were all in school seem to have evaporated. Between work, the boys, the house, the gym and walking ... there's not a lot of time left.
This summer my plans were grand for how much time I would have to write and what I could produce while the boys were all at school. Granted, the fact that it hasn't come to fruition in quite that way is not all my fault. Jackson's injury and the swine flu put some heavy blankets on my fire. Now I'm faced with a long, cold winter ahead and trying to find the ambition to see if I can come out on the other side with something to show for it.
Funny enough, it's not even that I need the ambition -- I actually do have plenty of that. I think it's more giving myself the freedom to commit to something that does not directly help my family in the short haul in any way at all. It's hard, as someone who has focused on being a mother for the past 12 years to now take time to direct a large amount of energy, purpose and resource toward a dream that is hers alone and one that is not likely to help her family the challenge is grand. Particularly when her family's needs are still ever present and very important.
Hmmm ... to me it's still a dream. I have not -- although I thought I had -- turned this dream of mine into a plan. I just realized that. Becoming a published non-fiction author was a dream I had that I turned into a goal and accomplished. For some reason -- becoming a fiction writer and turning that into a goal to be mastered is harder for me to conceptualize. Obviously, there is a fickle platform for which to turn this dream into a reality -- publishing is not easy and certainly not something you just wish for and it falls in your lap. I don't think I know how to convert my love and passion for writing and creating into something that could be my life's work -- and then I think about a plan for my future and what I see, what I want is a life that entails just that.
I continue to look forward at my calendar and think "Oh yes, this December when I'm not working I'll write every day ... " But then there are gifts to buy and trees to trim and parties to attend ... I read once a writer's most important part of their anatomy was their butt. Sit down and write.
I need to start using my butt, obviously.
