It's Been A While ...

It's been nearly a year since I've written anything here. I have no excuse, no reason and actually, not much guilt. I have been writing (not a lot, but some) -- so maybe that's why I don't feel guilty. It's "not writing" that gets me -- not necessarily where or what I'm writing.

Things have been challenging at home this year -- thankfully the year seems to be ending on a more positive note. Jackson is healing -- still has a ways to go but is getting better. Eric is busy! Work is busy and that is a wonderful thing. Cooper and Aiden have settled into their new roles at school -- first grader and middle schooler -- and while there have been some challenges (the swine flu for one) it seems to be moving along. Work for me has been very rewarding and is keeping me busy. The hours I dreamed I would have to write when the boys were all in school seem to have evaporated. Between work, the boys, the house, the gym and walking ... there's not a lot of time left.

This summer my plans were grand for how much time I would have to write and what I could produce while the boys were all at school. Granted, the fact that it hasn't come to fruition in quite that way is not all my fault. Jackson's injury and the swine flu put some heavy blankets on my fire. Now I'm faced with a long, cold winter ahead and trying to find the ambition to see if I can come out on the other side with something to show for it.

Funny enough, it's not even that I need the ambition -- I actually do have plenty of that. I think it's more giving myself the freedom to commit to something that does not directly help my family in the short haul in any way at all. It's hard, as someone who has focused on being a mother for the past 12 years to now take time to direct a large amount of energy, purpose and resource toward a dream that is hers alone and one that is not likely to help her family the challenge is grand. Particularly when her family's needs are still ever present and very important.

Hmmm ... to me it's still a dream. I have not -- although I thought I had -- turned this dream of mine into a plan. I just realized that. Becoming a published non-fiction author was a dream I had that I turned into a goal and accomplished. For some reason -- becoming a fiction writer and turning that into a goal to be mastered is harder for me to conceptualize. Obviously, there is a fickle platform for which to turn this dream into a reality -- publishing is not easy and certainly not something you just wish for and it falls in your lap. I don't think I know how to convert my love and passion for writing and creating into something that could be my life's work -- and then I think about a plan for my future and what I see, what I want is a life that entails just that.

I continue to look forward at my calendar and think "Oh yes, this December when I'm not working I'll write every day ... " But then there are gifts to buy and trees to trim and parties to attend ... I read once a writer's most important part of their anatomy was their butt. Sit down and write.

I need to start using my butt, obviously.

Here we go! 2009!

Okay, so it's here. I think now more than ever the turn of the new year seemed to be an anticipatory event. Our country is in trouble and you get the sense everywhere you turn that people are counting on the new year, the new administration, the new stimulus package, the new everything to fix it.

Personally, we ended 2008 with the flu times 5, 3 days of no power and promptly busted into 2009 with the snap of two arm bones. Woo hoo, yay us! Eric continues to struggle daily at work and the stress is overwhelming. I see it on his face and in his quiet smiles as he tries to be "daddy" and not the boss for a few hours every night. I wish more than anything for 2009 that I could give him some good years where he didn't have to worry about health insurance prices, gas prices or the Big 3. He is haunted every day with trying to stay afloat (and is doing as well as he can be in this world). I would give him peace if I could.

I am hopeful, along with everyone else, that things will turn around and look forward to returning to prosperity and economic health. I know money is not everything--and to be clear we are doing fine thanks to my husband's foresight and conservative business sense, along with at least 10 years off his life--but it makes it difficult to enjoy the little (or big or medium sized)things when it is scarce.

I also realize that perspective is helpful ... we are healthy (9 out of 10 of our arms work and we're no longer puking) and our bills are paid. We have wonderful friends and loving family and food on the table and the house is warm again (3 days with no power in the middle of winter 'll kill ya). My boys are happy and healthy and doing what they love.

2009 is another year to grow and learn and live and understand and for that I am thankful.

"I'm alive and today you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see. Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive and well"
~ Kenny

This just might be my theme song for 2008 ... no I mean 2009 ... maybe just always ...