Here we go! 2009!

Okay, so it's here. I think now more than ever the turn of the new year seemed to be an anticipatory event. Our country is in trouble and you get the sense everywhere you turn that people are counting on the new year, the new administration, the new stimulus package, the new everything to fix it.

Personally, we ended 2008 with the flu times 5, 3 days of no power and promptly busted into 2009 with the snap of two arm bones. Woo hoo, yay us! Eric continues to struggle daily at work and the stress is overwhelming. I see it on his face and in his quiet smiles as he tries to be "daddy" and not the boss for a few hours every night. I wish more than anything for 2009 that I could give him some good years where he didn't have to worry about health insurance prices, gas prices or the Big 3. He is haunted every day with trying to stay afloat (and is doing as well as he can be in this world). I would give him peace if I could.

I am hopeful, along with everyone else, that things will turn around and look forward to returning to prosperity and economic health. I know money is not everything--and to be clear we are doing fine thanks to my husband's foresight and conservative business sense, along with at least 10 years off his life--but it makes it difficult to enjoy the little (or big or medium sized)things when it is scarce.

I also realize that perspective is helpful ... we are healthy (9 out of 10 of our arms work and we're no longer puking) and our bills are paid. We have wonderful friends and loving family and food on the table and the house is warm again (3 days with no power in the middle of winter 'll kill ya). My boys are happy and healthy and doing what they love.

2009 is another year to grow and learn and live and understand and for that I am thankful.

"I'm alive and today you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see. Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive and well"
~ Kenny

This just might be my theme song for 2008 ... no I mean 2009 ... maybe just always ...

Everyone around me is falling apart ...

I'm feelin' it. I'm really feelin' it. I have several friends in very bad situations this Christmas - the end of marriages, custody issues, traumas and financial stress. It seems as though life has been swimming along and now - 20 years or so later - the accumulation of their life choices (or life's chances) have caught up. Unhappiness abounds around me right now and I am feelin' it.

It is interesting - as I talk with Eric nearly every day about one situation or another - how our role as friends change. This isn't like talking your girlfriend out of feeling sad she got dumped while you listen to Chicago's greatest love songs or telling taking your buddy out on a bender to get over a girl by morning. This is big time. Big stuff. This is trying to help your friends navigate through life's truly rough waters and it is hard to figure out just what my/our job is.

Do I play devil's advocate? Do I point out my opinion? Do I just listen? Do I stand up for her when she's not standing on her own two feet? What do I do? I told Eric, I'm trying to learn how to be a good friend in these new circumstances but I don't think I'm quick enough on the uptake for this crash course. Before any of you begin to feel as though I'm speaking right to you -- and we all know you're there -- this is not just about one relationship or one situation. Life for several of our close friends has gotten very hard and I want to "do good."

I want to come to the other side with these friendships in tact--stronger? I want to learn how to be a friend in these trying times and I suppose what I can rely on is simply looking back. Ending a marriage is certainly bigger than having your two-month-old high school romance cool -- but maybe chocolate, friendship and a few sad songs is still the way to go. Another idea - maybe I'll just ask.

Top 10 Things I Learned at Disney World

Let me preface this by saying we had a wonderful time. It was as wonderful and as stressful as I imagined it to be. Here is what I learned.

10. Disney World is not the happiest place on earth. If you actually look around you will hear crying, whining, tired, cranky kids and parents who are stressed and paying a LOT for it. Disney imagineers are experts at the bait-and-switch ... have you seen their commercials?

9. You have to make reservations at Disney World to eat anywhere that is not ... McDonald's.

8. Being upgraded during "The Year of a Million Dreams" was a beautiful, amazing and blessed thing.

7. Disney World is magical - my boys (Aiden especially) believed that Minnie loves to sew and that she is an excellent artist ("Did you see all the ribbons Minnie won, momma?!")

6. There is not much more stressful--or magically unbelievable--than the Magic Kingdom at night. The parade, the fireworks, the castle bathed in colored light, Tinkerbell's flight across the sky ... the people, the chaos the manic atmosphere.

5. My boys love roller coasters and the big two are old enough to stand in line for their favorites all by themselves.

4. Our economy is not that bad. There are plenty of people willing to throw good money at a mouse. Us included.

3. My husband is not used to being around his kids (let alone a million others) all day, every day, for a week.

2. My boys are helpful, funny, engaging, creative, tolerant, pliable and flexible little guys. When they're not having their moments. :-)

1. I'd go back in a heart beat to watch Aiden's face at the opening of the Magic Kingdom park, "Momma, this is my best vacation I ever had!". I'd go back to see Jackson get blindsided by a kiss from Cinderella. I'd go back to watch Cooper love roller coasters he was afraid of two years ago. I'd go back to watch Eric holding Aiden on his shoulders as Tinkerbell flew across the night sky. I'd go back to see my boys (all three of 'em) squeal with delight as Chip & Dale (Chip being my alter ego on skates) came past us in the parade yelling "Momma, that's you!". I'd go back in a heart beat to get all that time snuggling, holding hands, and truly being with those magical little boys.

"I am not a hamster ..."

Have you seen the commercial--I don't even know what the product is--but it's a guy running in a city and a voice over says "I am not a hamster and life is not a wheel."? This is me. Making lists, crossing them off, making more lists. I do this year round but I swear my lists get more detailed all winter long.

Last night the fall/winter blues hit our house like a pathetic, wimpy damp rag. Eric walked around the house mumbling how he hates the dark and it's &$%#* cold outside. I curled up on the couch watching Aiden play cars and felt like I needed to go to bed--it was 6:45. The boys were antsy and loud and rough in the house. About 7:00 EA opened a second bottle of wine and we cleaned the play room together -- just to be moving. When we eventually turned off all the lights and headed to bed I hugged Eric and told him I already missed Summer Eric ... you know the one who sings as he walks around the house, dances spontaneously and throws footballs, baseballs and Frisbees for hours.

So this morning I started to ... make a list! What else. We can go to the Y, we can visit friends, we can watch movies together (there's a new concept for us), we can plan weekends away, we can drink more wine ... gotta love a list that has wine on it.

I am not a hamster and this life is not a wheel - I will find a way to enjoy the winter/dark/cold. Period.

There's a New "Kid" in Town

We spent the most wonderful evening last night. Jackson--after three years of lessons and a year and a half of worrying and wondering if he wanted to play in front of people (nevermind the fact that his life's plan is to be ... a rock star)--did it. He got up in front of a room of 100+ and played his guitar, sang and smiled. He loved it.

I was nervous, anxious and excited for him. He had put in the practice time on the piece, so I was confident he knew what to do but I was nervous that he would, well ... get nervous! It was a Halloween recital so the kids all wore their costumes and he designed one specifically for the occassion as his favorite rocker - Kid Rock. He sauntered and swaggered - he acted like a rock star. His instructor Chris (a perfect match for my boy) played with him.

He played Luckenbach, Texas--an oldie but a goodie to country fans--a version we found done by Kenny Chesney and Kid Rock. Jackson was so taken with the song because Kenny and Kid are his two idols.

It is amazing as we watch our kids grow and change to watch them fall in love with life, to find their passions and be excited about doing and being a part of things. I could not have been more proud of the kid if he had sung in front of 100,000 instead. Loved it. Just loved it.

Restless ...

Fall is here. The colors are gorgeous, the weather has been beautiful. Our calendar is full of birthday parties, tailgates and football games and concerts. I have a new Kenny CD playing and my boys are off at school. I have work to do--work I want to do.

Somehow the restlessness that I get every fall has settled into my bones again. I feel melancholy on days like today--when the sun is hiding and the chill in the air is poignant. I feel nervous and anxious about being held under water for six months. That's what winter feels like to me--like I have to dive under, find shelter and wait out the time.

The feeling isn't constant--it just comes and goes--and most the time I'm genuinely happy in my own skin. I've just decided I was probably a mermaid in another life. The cold weather just steals my energy and despite valiant efforts to the contrary I keep letting it. This year I am feeling it stronger than ever--of course I say that every year--but the difference is we have no vacations planned (Disney World will be a blast with the boys but it's not quite the same as sun, sand and a Frozen Diet & Malibu ...) to the islands this year. We've been down there every year for 4 or 5 years (yes, I know how lucky I am ...) and this year is out. (Yes, I also know Jamaica in April counts for 2008 but I'm talkin' winter here ...)

So - my restless heart (make no mistake here, my restlessness comes solely and completely from my geographical position on this planet ... I love my husband. I love my boys. I love my house. I just wish, wish, wish it was on the coast of somewhere beautiful.) is going to look for a few answers to get through and I absolutely refuse to wish my time with my boys and EA and on this planet away.

10 things ... kind of

Okay so I'm following your lead. Sort of. I have a beautiful journal (it has the picture of a beautiful beach on the cover) that I have kept a list of things I want to do before I die. I don't have a number because I don't want a goal of things I have to do before I die ... I just wanted to write them down. I did really well with getting them done. At first. But then I got caught up in the day to day tasks of life and off my list blew.

So, here will be a list of 5 things I want to do in the short run.

1. Lose 5 pounds. (Okay, that's my staple goal - it'll always be here.)
2. I am writing all the time now. Every day. For all kinds of people. I want to get back to my manuscript and start committing a few hours every week.
3. Keep to my gym schedule - this is cheating because I don't vary from it often during the school year.
4. Go visit my mom in Florida again this year.
5. With my business, I accidentally ended up having most of my work be web based--writing content. I do enjoy it and it is a step in a professional direction as far as my writing goes--but I want to focus on some more print markets.

There they are. Nothing fancy. Just the thoughts that have been bouncing around my head. Oh ... I also want to get the 8000 photos on my computer backed up. It is kind of stressing me out a little bit that they're not backed up.

I'm going to go back to my pretty beach book and update it - mull it around a bit and I'll get back to you with a life list. I just have a lot of things to do on my desk right now and ... I promise I really will stop procrastinating and update my life list. Soon.