I Hate 6th Grade

Cooper and I fight every day. Every. Day. He is obstinate, argumentative and a total pre-teenager. It doesn't matter what I do, I'm wrong, I'm stupid, I'm not enough. It's breaking my heart. I'm finding the easiest thing to do is ignore him and I can't tell you how much that hurts. He doesn't want me in his space anymore. My little boy who clung to his "nurseys" and his blanket named "ga" is nowhere to be seen. At least that's how it feels.

Typically, Eric gets up with Cooper before school--I just make things harder--and takes him to school. This morning Eric had to go plow so I got the honors. I got up and he immediately bristled at my question of "Did you take a shower?" He actually stomped out of the room and slammed the door. What's worse is if his dad asks it's usually a response like, "Oh no ... not yet!" as he gleefully tip toes into the bathroom.

I'm not sure what I'm doing that is insulting his sensitivities so greatly. Do I call him out too much? We have always been so close -- almost too close and I'm sure that part of this is his separating from me. Which obviously needs to happen -- but I didn't know it would be so hurtful.

I laid back down after he got on the bus before I had to wake up Jackson and Aiden for school and cried. It is just so hard. It's so sad to me that the biggest heartbreak I have is between my son and my own heart. I thought I had a little more time before he left me but I was wrong. In a lot of ways he's already gone.

After he got out on the bus I texted him that I loved him and hoped he had a good day. He answered he loved me, too. I tried to remind myself of all the ways he's still with us -- with me -- the hug I got after school (that followed another argument, actually), his concern for me when I don't feel well, how he appreciated when I surprised him with "The Blind Side" book a few weeks ago. There's still a lot of good stuff, and a lot more to have, it's just all different and I wasn't ready for it to change so drastically so fast.

I'm trying to let him go and make his mistakes and rise to the occasions he's given on his own -- but he's only 12! Aren't I supposed to have a say, still? It seems as though he's fine with me unless I'm the one bringing the heat about homework, his room, his attitude ... so as long as I just get along he'll be nice to me?

I know I'm telling him too often what to do--I get that. But to be honest I'm scared. This is when everything you've said and done (and while I think I've done (we've done) a good job there all the sudden seems to be a danger around every corner) is coming out. I'm afraid he's not going to know. I am afraid he's going to be hurt. Little hurts I can live with. The big ones I can't.

I think Jackson's accident has been more traumatic to me than I am willing to admit. I have been so afraid of them being hurt, lost, gone ever since it happened that sometimes I can't breathe. Obviously, I need to get over that. I just want a window into his life, I don't need the whole thing--just a little bit. Is it so hard for him to give me that? Maybe.

WInter 2010 ... Hmmm ...

This winter feels different. Maybe I will live through the searing cold winds and heavy gray skies instead of merely surviving this year. My body still feels angled and hard, missing it’s rounder, softer, summer-self. My edges are sharper with word and thought as they usually are during these short days--it will take a conscious effort to endure January, February and March. Wishing away minutes, hours and days is not my way of living--but I know I have a difficult time not clicking my heels together three times when the clouds seem to hang so low they fog my thoughts and the sun is absent for weeks on end. “I want summer. I want summer. I want summer.”

Add the weather with a pre-teen son with a girlfriend and an attitude, a ten-year-old who’d like to grow up sooner rather than later, a six-year old who is swearing like a sailor and isn’t afraid to take on the world and a husband who detests these icy winter months and it is difficult to smile around this ole house sometimes.

I have added on the ten pounds I have fought off dozens of times before -- and am back to detailing, scrutinizing and rationing my food. Nearly all our parents have all gone to sunnier, warmer skies for the winter leaving us to tend to their animals and homes--while I’m grateful for the opportunity to repay their continual support and generosity, I’m also a little jealous. Life just feels better in the sun.

Despite all the caveats of the impending Michigan winter I feel somewhat optimistic. Eric has convinced himself to head back to the gym--which always helps his attitude and spirit. I am taking over the ordering and preparation for class at the lab. I will be working for Matty again soon. I’ve herded up enough courage to tackle these pesky ten pounds and am hopeful I’ll come out on top. The boys are all healthy, happy and engaged in activities and school.

Most years I start out January 1 with a thought of reorganizing, restructuring and rehabilitating my overindulged family -- back to TV limits that were ignored during the holiday hubbub, packing lunches and attempting to eat dinner together and earlier bed times all with the intention of dragging this sleigh through the winter months. This year my thoughts are similar -- only I don’t feel the anxiety of the winter months like I usually do. I know I can get through it.

I’m not sure what’s so different this year from last. Maybe a more acute sense of the boys fleeting time with us as Cooper’s 12th birthday shone a searingly bright spotlight on how fast it all changes. We do have a trip to Jamaica planned with family and friends that I’m so looking forward to--but we’ve had that to look forward to before, nothing life changing new there. Eric gave me a new winter coat for Christmas--I feel warm and happy to wear it--maybe that’s it?

As I think back to year’s past it seems that the months of winter were irrepresible in many ways--the mechanics of simply taking the three boys out anywhere felt overwhelming. Finding 6 boots, 6 gloves, 3 coats, 3 hats and 3 pairs of snow pants, let alone matching socks was always a challenge that I rarely lived up to. We’d have one glove, mismatched mittens, boots without liners, NO socks and holes in the knees of our snow pants. That was just the getting ready to leave--sloshing through snowy, rainy parking lots just added to the misery. The boys are old enough now that the boots are theirs to find (at least the older boys) and I rarely have to drag all three of them out for errands these days. They’re older. They’re a bit easier in some respects.

Last year these months were not only absent of sun and warmth but also very trying times for Eric at work and the country in general. I distinctly remember running on the treadmill last year as I watched CNN, praying we’d just make it a few more months. IDC was perilously close to trouble and our livelihood with it. The weight of the economy and money stressors for Eric magnified the weight of the heavy hanging clouds--that has eased significantly. There are still mountains to climb--but we are standing on much firmer ground.

Perhaps I should not analyze or curiously wonder where the feeling of dread and claustrophobic anxiety I am usually saddled with went to. Perhaps I should enjoy being able to walk with a daily focus of the tasks at hand rather than carrying an omnipresent wool blanket of yuck draped across my shoulders. I have a stack of books to read and I’ve found “House Hunters International” on HGTV--I can make it.

It's Been A While ...

It's been nearly a year since I've written anything here. I have no excuse, no reason and actually, not much guilt. I have been writing (not a lot, but some) -- so maybe that's why I don't feel guilty. It's "not writing" that gets me -- not necessarily where or what I'm writing.

Things have been challenging at home this year -- thankfully the year seems to be ending on a more positive note. Jackson is healing -- still has a ways to go but is getting better. Eric is busy! Work is busy and that is a wonderful thing. Cooper and Aiden have settled into their new roles at school -- first grader and middle schooler -- and while there have been some challenges (the swine flu for one) it seems to be moving along. Work for me has been very rewarding and is keeping me busy. The hours I dreamed I would have to write when the boys were all in school seem to have evaporated. Between work, the boys, the house, the gym and walking ... there's not a lot of time left.

This summer my plans were grand for how much time I would have to write and what I could produce while the boys were all at school. Granted, the fact that it hasn't come to fruition in quite that way is not all my fault. Jackson's injury and the swine flu put some heavy blankets on my fire. Now I'm faced with a long, cold winter ahead and trying to find the ambition to see if I can come out on the other side with something to show for it.

Funny enough, it's not even that I need the ambition -- I actually do have plenty of that. I think it's more giving myself the freedom to commit to something that does not directly help my family in the short haul in any way at all. It's hard, as someone who has focused on being a mother for the past 12 years to now take time to direct a large amount of energy, purpose and resource toward a dream that is hers alone and one that is not likely to help her family the challenge is grand. Particularly when her family's needs are still ever present and very important.

Hmmm ... to me it's still a dream. I have not -- although I thought I had -- turned this dream of mine into a plan. I just realized that. Becoming a published non-fiction author was a dream I had that I turned into a goal and accomplished. For some reason -- becoming a fiction writer and turning that into a goal to be mastered is harder for me to conceptualize. Obviously, there is a fickle platform for which to turn this dream into a reality -- publishing is not easy and certainly not something you just wish for and it falls in your lap. I don't think I know how to convert my love and passion for writing and creating into something that could be my life's work -- and then I think about a plan for my future and what I see, what I want is a life that entails just that.

I continue to look forward at my calendar and think "Oh yes, this December when I'm not working I'll write every day ... " But then there are gifts to buy and trees to trim and parties to attend ... I read once a writer's most important part of their anatomy was their butt. Sit down and write.

I need to start using my butt, obviously.

Here we go! 2009!

Okay, so it's here. I think now more than ever the turn of the new year seemed to be an anticipatory event. Our country is in trouble and you get the sense everywhere you turn that people are counting on the new year, the new administration, the new stimulus package, the new everything to fix it.

Personally, we ended 2008 with the flu times 5, 3 days of no power and promptly busted into 2009 with the snap of two arm bones. Woo hoo, yay us! Eric continues to struggle daily at work and the stress is overwhelming. I see it on his face and in his quiet smiles as he tries to be "daddy" and not the boss for a few hours every night. I wish more than anything for 2009 that I could give him some good years where he didn't have to worry about health insurance prices, gas prices or the Big 3. He is haunted every day with trying to stay afloat (and is doing as well as he can be in this world). I would give him peace if I could.

I am hopeful, along with everyone else, that things will turn around and look forward to returning to prosperity and economic health. I know money is not everything--and to be clear we are doing fine thanks to my husband's foresight and conservative business sense, along with at least 10 years off his life--but it makes it difficult to enjoy the little (or big or medium sized)things when it is scarce.

I also realize that perspective is helpful ... we are healthy (9 out of 10 of our arms work and we're no longer puking) and our bills are paid. We have wonderful friends and loving family and food on the table and the house is warm again (3 days with no power in the middle of winter 'll kill ya). My boys are happy and healthy and doing what they love.

2009 is another year to grow and learn and live and understand and for that I am thankful.

"I'm alive and today you know that's good enough for me. Breathing in and out's a blessing can't you see. Today's the first day of the rest of my life and I'm alive and well"
~ Kenny

This just might be my theme song for 2008 ... no I mean 2009 ... maybe just always ...

Everyone around me is falling apart ...

I'm feelin' it. I'm really feelin' it. I have several friends in very bad situations this Christmas - the end of marriages, custody issues, traumas and financial stress. It seems as though life has been swimming along and now - 20 years or so later - the accumulation of their life choices (or life's chances) have caught up. Unhappiness abounds around me right now and I am feelin' it.

It is interesting - as I talk with Eric nearly every day about one situation or another - how our role as friends change. This isn't like talking your girlfriend out of feeling sad she got dumped while you listen to Chicago's greatest love songs or telling taking your buddy out on a bender to get over a girl by morning. This is big time. Big stuff. This is trying to help your friends navigate through life's truly rough waters and it is hard to figure out just what my/our job is.

Do I play devil's advocate? Do I point out my opinion? Do I just listen? Do I stand up for her when she's not standing on her own two feet? What do I do? I told Eric, I'm trying to learn how to be a good friend in these new circumstances but I don't think I'm quick enough on the uptake for this crash course. Before any of you begin to feel as though I'm speaking right to you -- and we all know you're there -- this is not just about one relationship or one situation. Life for several of our close friends has gotten very hard and I want to "do good."

I want to come to the other side with these friendships in tact--stronger? I want to learn how to be a friend in these trying times and I suppose what I can rely on is simply looking back. Ending a marriage is certainly bigger than having your two-month-old high school romance cool -- but maybe chocolate, friendship and a few sad songs is still the way to go. Another idea - maybe I'll just ask.

Top 10 Things I Learned at Disney World

Let me preface this by saying we had a wonderful time. It was as wonderful and as stressful as I imagined it to be. Here is what I learned.

10. Disney World is not the happiest place on earth. If you actually look around you will hear crying, whining, tired, cranky kids and parents who are stressed and paying a LOT for it. Disney imagineers are experts at the bait-and-switch ... have you seen their commercials?

9. You have to make reservations at Disney World to eat anywhere that is not ... McDonald's.

8. Being upgraded during "The Year of a Million Dreams" was a beautiful, amazing and blessed thing.

7. Disney World is magical - my boys (Aiden especially) believed that Minnie loves to sew and that she is an excellent artist ("Did you see all the ribbons Minnie won, momma?!")

6. There is not much more stressful--or magically unbelievable--than the Magic Kingdom at night. The parade, the fireworks, the castle bathed in colored light, Tinkerbell's flight across the sky ... the people, the chaos the manic atmosphere.

5. My boys love roller coasters and the big two are old enough to stand in line for their favorites all by themselves.

4. Our economy is not that bad. There are plenty of people willing to throw good money at a mouse. Us included.

3. My husband is not used to being around his kids (let alone a million others) all day, every day, for a week.

2. My boys are helpful, funny, engaging, creative, tolerant, pliable and flexible little guys. When they're not having their moments. :-)

1. I'd go back in a heart beat to watch Aiden's face at the opening of the Magic Kingdom park, "Momma, this is my best vacation I ever had!". I'd go back to see Jackson get blindsided by a kiss from Cinderella. I'd go back to watch Cooper love roller coasters he was afraid of two years ago. I'd go back to watch Eric holding Aiden on his shoulders as Tinkerbell flew across the night sky. I'd go back to see my boys (all three of 'em) squeal with delight as Chip & Dale (Chip being my alter ego on skates) came past us in the parade yelling "Momma, that's you!". I'd go back in a heart beat to get all that time snuggling, holding hands, and truly being with those magical little boys.

"I am not a hamster ..."

Have you seen the commercial--I don't even know what the product is--but it's a guy running in a city and a voice over says "I am not a hamster and life is not a wheel."? This is me. Making lists, crossing them off, making more lists. I do this year round but I swear my lists get more detailed all winter long.

Last night the fall/winter blues hit our house like a pathetic, wimpy damp rag. Eric walked around the house mumbling how he hates the dark and it's &$%#* cold outside. I curled up on the couch watching Aiden play cars and felt like I needed to go to bed--it was 6:45. The boys were antsy and loud and rough in the house. About 7:00 EA opened a second bottle of wine and we cleaned the play room together -- just to be moving. When we eventually turned off all the lights and headed to bed I hugged Eric and told him I already missed Summer Eric ... you know the one who sings as he walks around the house, dances spontaneously and throws footballs, baseballs and Frisbees for hours.

So this morning I started to ... make a list! What else. We can go to the Y, we can visit friends, we can watch movies together (there's a new concept for us), we can plan weekends away, we can drink more wine ... gotta love a list that has wine on it.

I am not a hamster and this life is not a wheel - I will find a way to enjoy the winter/dark/cold. Period.